i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
