I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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