Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
That accounts for only three of the penises
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize