I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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