my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
last night I used snow as a chaser
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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