There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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