I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
