There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
