I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize