1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
