I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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