a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
