You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
