sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
