My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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