the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
