i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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