theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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