It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
