Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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