i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He shit in the fireplace
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