nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
