Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
