I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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