I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
