I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
