my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize