3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
