Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
