i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I need moral support for this bender
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
