She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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