Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Can I color on your dick again?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I said "one day" and that day is not today
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
