Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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