I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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