If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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