I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
