EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
