I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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