i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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