Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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