Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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