Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
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