put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
