i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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