I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
