I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
