Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
