Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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