Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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