I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
