She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
