Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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