She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Randomize
