here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
