I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
