I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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