Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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