Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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